Preparation

"Osmoprep" are the pills that they gave me this time since I am unable to choke down that wretched liquid gunk.

They are turning out to be Satan in a bottle. I've had to swallow four pills with eight ounces of water every fifteen minutes since 2:50pm. My gastro doc had a cancellation for the morning so I got a call to get started on the preparation part a couple of hours early.

Fifteen minutes is much shorter than you might imagine.

I have learned that I am a good sprinter.

Oh. My. God.

Poop Chute Blues

Nothing hearkens middle age in Western civilization like the onset of health issues and those invasive, uncomfortable tests that come with them. Most of my peers are getting their first taste of crappy blood reports full of "pre-diabetic" warnings, high cholesterol numbers and liver panels that do not bode well for the future. Sure, we join the gym and try to "watch what we eat" but the truth is that sort of just accept, as a society, the inevitability of nursing a growing collection of pharmaceuticals as the years tick on.

Except for my mum, that is.

She is the other extreme, drinking green smoothies full of spinach and foul spirulina, reading everything she can get her hands on about food, health and how everything is interconnected. In spite of how I tease her, I have to admit that there is something to be said for her lifestyle. When you line my mother up in a roomful of people within a decade on either side of her age, she looks so much younger than everyone else. She radiates health. She eschews all but one medication. She has never had a mammogram because she believes the brain is susceptible to suggestion and doesn't want to plant that particular seed of possibility in her head. She is fearless.

I will admit that there have been plenty of times in my life that I thought perhaps her Birkenstocks were strapped too tightly but now, as the sins of my twenties have come back to haunt me, I think that she's on to something. The one concept she has always stressed is that the medical community is full of human beings who by virtue of being human, can be expected to err. "Ultimately, YOU are responsible for your health", she says.

I've toyed with that concept for several years researching diets, implementing new exercise programs and eliminating certain foods from my kitchen. Some efforts were more successful than others and some things were just all kinds of stupid. I dabbled because generally, it's more enjoyable to remain blissfully ignorant. Until there is a medical scare and there always will be one, right? Because how we treat our bodies today determine how big our pill case of tomorrow will be. No brainer.

I turned forty and overnight, it seemed that my entire physiology changed. As I ushered in my middle age crisis with Harley Davidsons, wrinkles, presbyopia and ill fitting bras, I began to get serious about my health. I have accepted middle age, embraced it. I am having the time of my life. I'm also having a colonoscopy this Thursday.

(Let's just pause there a second. I need to catch my breath.)

And I'm kind of hoping that after taking a small biopsy of my stomach, my gastro doctor is going to tell me that gluten is not my problem. I can absolutely live and live well without gluten or any other grains but I'd like to give them up on my own terms. There is a whole new class of people who are proving to be "gluten sensitive". My doctor thinks I'm one of them.

Whatever.

All I know is that until a few months ago, I ate all the wheat, barley and rye that I wanted, like I had been doing for forty four years. Becoming gluten free was a choice and admittedly, I felt freaking GREAT without it in my diet but I didn't HAVE to avoid it. Now, it appears like I do and I can't help but sort of kick myself because it seems like I have manifested this issue just by virtue of letting it hit my radar.

I am not going to wail on about how crappy the colonoscopy is going to be (pun totally intended) because really, the procedure itself is the nicest part about the whole ordeal. Instead, I'm going to focus on the fact that after it is all said and done, I will be able to state, unequivocally, that I am no longer full of shit.

That will be a first.

Free

Now that the dust has settled, I can share a bit of what my life has looked like over the past month.

First of all, I left my job which was a huge deal for me. I had been thinking about it for a long time and for a number of reasons but fear of financial destitution kept me firmly in place. It wasn't a bad gig as far as working for a company goes but over the last three years, I found myself dreading Mondays more often than not. Since the bulk of time in any given week is spent trying to earn a living, I figured that I owed it to myself and to my family to try to make it on my own.

So, I formed a company with one of my closest friends.

It's been both terrifying and thrilling. I'm pretty good at what I do which has enabled my clients to make the transition without so much as a hiccup. Those close relationships have also meant that I've heard what my former employer has had to say, most of which is ugly and unpleasant. It doesn't upset me because frankly, it was entirely expected but it reflects poorly on him and that makes me sad.

Second, we watched our eldest son, Dallas's boy, head off to boot camp and let me tell you, THAT was hard. I am a raging liberal. The idea of one of my children in the services was something unfathomable to me until I realized that without the military, the chances of eldest learning a trade, being able to support himself and having access to things like health care and favourable mortgage rates, were next to none. Eldest was one of the many kids who slip through the high school system like ghosts and who graduate without a meaningful plan for the future.

Like a lot of his peers, eldest left school with the ability to play video games, an acceptance of mediocrity and just about nothing else. Thank God for the navy. They will pick up where we failed him. I'm very grateful.

Third, teenage daughter recently experienced a bump in the road but rather than tuck her head in the sand, she has stunned us all by taking the steps necessary to move to the next level in her life. I feel hopeful for the first time in nearly two years. We've extended an invitation to her to come and live with us for the remaining six months that we have in this country. I know that there are some of you shaking your head in disbelief right now but when your kids will allow you to help them help themselves, it is a gift. I am officially holding my breath.

Fourth, I am homeschooling Dylan and loving it. Liv will finish third grade in the public school but she will be coming home too, at least for a year. My head is aflame, I know.

Finally, I've given up gluten. I'm not a celiac but after heaps of research, I've come to the personal conclusion that our bodies were not mean to consume most grains. For nearly a month, Dallas, the kids and I went Paleo (no grains, dairy or legumes). I felt better, lost weight and the nagging ache in my right arse cheek went away. Then last week, we went to Florida and everything went to hell on Saturday night. We had a fabulous meal at Emeril's and I ate the bread. I ate the flash fried oysters. I had CAKE for dessert. It was gastronomical nirvana.

And then for the next three days, I blew up like a balloon. I looked like something that belonged in a Johnny Depp movie. My toes, cankles and knees were so swollen that I looked pregnant. I had wicked cramps, made unpleasant trips to the potty and Sunday night, the sciatic pain in my ass came back. Let me reiterate: I am not a celiac but sadly, my days as a grain eater are over. From now on, I will try to stick to a mostly Paleo diet. Surprisingly, gluten free beer is pretty good and apparently, Whole Foods stocks some gluten free flour so date scones are in back in play. I think we'll manage. If you are interested in checking out the basics, mosey on over to this Paleo website. He also wrote a great book. It might not be your thing but it could cure what ails you. I should probably mention that my most excellent cousin, Rosie, turned me on to this; she of great wit and unflagging research skills.

Okay, so that's it for now. I'm off to China next month, which I said I'd never do again, but now that my name is on the letterhead....

Never say never, right?

New Zealand

Thank you, internet, for the outpouring of concern regarding our relatives down under. Fortunately for us, most of our family is on the North Island or located near the bottom of the South Island which has kept them out of harm's way, thank God.

Like you, the first pictures that we have seen out of New Zealand are awful and the news continues to get worse.

My thoughts are there today.

Epiphanies and Moving Trucks

Our trip to the southern hemisphere was an epiphany for our family. It helped to clarify so many things for Dallas and me in our marriage, in the kind of parents we wanted to be and in how we desired our future to look. Together, we made a few. decisions.

First, after nearly eight years, I quit my job. I am home schooling my son and plan to do the same with my daughter once she finishes this year. I am not made of the stuff to hold down a corporate career and give my children the education they deserve. At the end of the day when sorting through my priorities, I decided that my kids win. It hasn't always been that way. There were lots of years when I traveled nearly every month, sometimes for ten days or two weeks at a time. My children were left in the care of various nannies. It got so bad that if I called a sitter to stay with them while I had dinner out with friends, Olivia would grab on to my arm, eyes giant saucers of insecurity and make me promise that I wasn't going to China. I made some poor decisions in the name of my career.

Second, we have made the conscious choice to simplify our lifestyle. I've got some pesky high grade dysplasia issues that I can't seem to eradicate completely and which scare the tar out of me because I've already walked the more serious "in situ" path and I'm not especially interested in doing it again. So, I'm on this crappy medicine which makes me feel like a big ball of shit three days of the week. It's not ideal but I'll take this solution over more surgery or radiation.

For now.

My personal belief is that most cancers are preventable for one who has a life in balance. I've spent YEARS consumed by my career at the expense and exclusion of almost everything else. In my head, ambition was good. Workaholism was admirable. Then, I met the love of my life and married him. All of the sudden, working weekends lost its appeal. Being called while on holiday felt intrusive. I am fond of luxury but I am no longer willing to sacrifice everything else to keep up with the Joneses.

Finally, after much discussion, pro/con list-making, head-shaking, number-crunching, what-if-ing, Dallas and I made the decision to move. Again.

To New Zealand.

Shifting house from one state to another was a task. Planning and executing a move from Tulsa to another town nearly 8,500 miles and a whole ocean away makes our interstate relocation look like child's play. Between immigration, logistics, child custody issues, housing in our new country and trying to find a good home for our cat, I'm overwhelmed. However, when I sit still and listen, the steady beat that quietly thumps through all of the change and planning is peace.

Imagine that.