I am a non-smoker

I have not smoked for seven weeks.

I know that seven weeks is not especially long, particularly when you compare it to a pregnancy or the remaining time that Bush has in office but it feels long to me. My family is really excited that I have quit and I want to bathe in all of that "atta girl" pride but the truth is, it was one of the easiest things that I've ever done.

For years, my reasons for remaining a smoker were shed one by one until I was left with the "ass through the door" excuse as in, "I'm worried that I will gain so much weight that my ass won't fit through the door". One day, my daughter was playing dress up with my heels, a ballet tutu and her brother's batman cape. She grabbed a crayon, stuck it between her fingers and said, "Look mummy. I look like you." Then, she proceeded to pretend to smoke the crayon. I want to go on record by swearing that I have NEVER worn a tutu or a cape (in public). Apparently, I wasn't fooling anyone by hiding outside to light up. The time had come.

There were times that I really enjoyed smoking. I have wonderfully relaxed memories of the house being clean, the laundry done, the kids at their father's and absolutely nothing for me to do but kick back with a glass of vino, a great movie and two whole days of peace! I would walk outside with a perfectly chilled glass of Pinot Grigio, sit on my bench, light up and watch the sun set. The memories are all similar. It is just the location changes:
-back of a sailboat in Mission Bay, California with the smell of the hibachi;
-dead of night Jaipur, India watching the festivities of a wedding from my hotel balcony;
-driving five hours back from a successful sales call with the tunes jacked, no traffic...

Then, there are the times that I have hated it. I have stayed, repeatedly, at the Hilton LAX (which is a dive of biblical proportions) because they have sliding doors that lead outside. This way, I could get a non smoking room and still get my fix. You see, even smokers don't want to stay in smoking rooms. They stink. They make all of your clothes stink and it is not healthy to smoke a million cigarettes in a 150 square foot hermetically sealed enclosure and then sleep in it. I have done it, though. I have also flown into Taipei and elbowed people out of the way in my quest to get to get to the second floor and the smoking room after 12.5 hours of smoke free torture.

When people find out you smoke, something changes. There is a subtle attitude shift. I've actually had people say to me, "But you don't look like a smoker." Huh?

I'm not sure what that means. What exactly, does a smoker look like? Wrinkled? Hard? Less Intelligent? Jennifer Aniston is a smoker. So are Cameron Diaz, Nicole Kidman and Catherine Zeta Jones. Do they look like smokers?

I think what those people were really trying to say is, "I'm surprised that you are so weak/flawed/stupid. First impression is that you don't seem that way", because really, who can tell if another person smokes if you don't smell it on them?

So, I got tired of the self-flagellation that accompanies any bad habit and I called my doctor. I had tried Zyban in the past with success but blew it by not recognizing that I was an addict. "Oh, I'll just have a puff since I have been off it for nearly six months and I can take it or leave it". Wrong. The second time I tried Zyban, it didn't take quite the same way. This time, I tried Chantix.

Chantix deserves a blog of its own but suffice it to say that it worked and if the manufacturers could isolate the drug's vivid dream inducing quality without the other side effects, well...let's just say I would be retiring for the night at five o'clock in the afternoon.

Cool, unexpected benefits of not smoking:
-sleep later because I don't have to go outside for two or three before shower
-save money on dry cleaning-clothes don't have to go as often
-don't have to wash hair every day because it doesn't smell like smoke
-better breath
-no tar stains on the back of teeth
-tooth sensitivity REALLY improved...go figure
-no special travel arrangements- goodbye Hilton LAX, good bye DFW security line!!!
-chance of my children smoking has been greatly reduced

In any case, I'm off the fags and I promise not to be one of those militant, crazy ex-smokers (hello, Norma).

And, as of this morning, my booty still fits through the door.