Breaking News

Hey kids,

Do you remember me telling you the saga of Shifty? If not, you can read all about him here and here and here. Those posts are not an example of my finer moments but more Dixie Carterish in their feel. Except I'm not nearly as clever as Dixie was and I curse like a sailor.

Anyway, back to the present day and breaking news. This week, Shifty was finally sentenced after pleading guilty last fall to half a dozen counts of theft. Apparently, he showed up to his sentencing and tried to get a fourth adjournment which didn't sit well with the judge who specifically commented about how disappointing it was that Shifty still refused to take responsibility for his behaviour especially considering the amount of time he had been given to reflect upon his transgressions this last year.

Nope.

Instead of walking into the courtroom with hat in hand, Shifty offended the court by again suggesting that he was completely innocent of all charges, in spite of irrefutable evidence to the contrary and umm...HIS GUILTY PLEA.

Guess how that strategy worked for him?

THEY THREW HIS SORRY ASS IN JAIL
for nearly two years. And, he will have to pay a huge chunk of cash in reparations to the community, which makes my toes tingle with happiness and not because I'm some crazed wackado wishing him dead (well, not often anyway). It's incredibly good news only because Shifty will be forced, by the law, to get a job to pay his fine. For once, the absurd theory of trickle-down economics will actually work because Shifty having a job "on the books" means that he will also, by default, have to pay child support, which is something he has avoided doing up to this point. My niece and two nephews deserve those funds.

Well, Internet, hell hath frozen over. The fat lady, dear god, has finally sung.
Like a true sociopath, Shifty's response to the sentencing was to announce that he would appeal. Appeal what, exactly? The sentence? The reparations? His guilty plea?

Whatever.

My advice to Shifty?

You might want to keep your trap shut in the BIG HOUSE, pal. You don't want to invite your foot or any other appendage in there.