Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl this year. I did not maim my ex husband and most times, I was able to greet him with a smile. I made an effort not travel as heavily this year and sure enough, my children no longer panic when I leave to go grocery shopping. I kept three houseplants alive and there are enough weeds in my flower bed to confirm that I am capable of nurturing something more than a grudge. I ate my loathsome vegetables. And I flossed.

Please see this year's wish list below. Please note that the usual requests: world peace, an end to human suffering and the impeachment of Dubya, should be considered understood and thus, they are not included.

1. I would like a blank cheque for the plastic surgeon. Now I know that this might be viewed as a hefty request but really, if one is going to receive Botox, what's a little Restylane to fill in the crevices? And if I have to be anesthetized to receive lipo, doesn't it just make sense to keep me under a wee bit longer and give the girls a make over? ECONOMIES OF SCALE, I tell you. Is it too much to ask to be able to see my abdominal muscles again without the benefit of an MRI?

2. I would like an inground pool. When it is 120 degrees outside and the humidity is 99%, I find that it is difficult to be reasonable. Can you wiggle your nose or snap your fingers and find some way to get it installed without having to dig up my back yard or rip down my fence? And while you're back there, would you mind planting a tree that I can't kill? Maybe something like a cactus would work because apparently, two sugar maples, a dogwood and a Bradford pear require watering and who the hell has time for that?

3. I would like one week at a luxurious beachfront resort with Dallas, preferably after healing from the plastic surgery. (see item #1)

4. I would like a personal chef. I have come to accept the fact that my idea of domestic bliss is to outsource the dirty work. My yard is mowed and my house is cleaned by other people. It only stands to reason that the final barrier to total sloth be breached. The candidate should understand that sometimes, he will be required to double as a short order cook because my children have never met a box of mac and cheese that they didn't love.

5. I would like the opportunity to be fifteen again for one day. There are several reasons for this. First of all, I'd like to sit my teenage self down and veto the decision to start smoking since all of those years contributed to the vain need for Botox. Second, I'd tell her to take a cab instead of accepting a ride home from that creep in the donut shop. Finally, I'd like to crawl into her body just once more to see what ten hours of unbroken sleep feel like.

Well, Santa. That's it. I realize that there are some tall orders on that list but I have confidence in you. By the way, my dentist has recently informed me that I will require a crown and a possible root canal so if you happen to see the Tooth Fairy in your travels, would you mind sending her my way? It's obvious that I have somehow pissed her off and I'd like to apologize. Thanks!