How Do You Spell Guilt? RESOLUTION.

Today is one of my least favourite days of the year. Besides the fact that our roads will be polluted with every drunk this side of Betty Ford, there is this insane pressure to RING IN THE NEW YEAR!!! Whatever.

Yes, tomorrow will mark the start of a brand new year but it's meaningless to me except that I will have to remember to sign my cheques with an 8 instead of a 7. I fully expect to be subjected to the barrage of "Year in Review" programs that populate mass media. From the top 100 songs and the biggest celebrity meltdowns to the most compelling news events and of course, George Bush's most illiterate moments of the year, we will have a scintillating choice of mindless lists to digest.

And of course, I feel compelled to make a blasted list of my own. So here it goes:

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

• Read at least one book a week.
  

• Look, I know that I probably won't have the time to do this but what's a good resolution list without a few items that are impossible to keep?
  

• Stop using the "f" word.
  

• This may just fall into the "impossible to keep" category because there are times when no other word will do. And it is such a versatile word. It can be a noun, verb, adverb, adjective and object...often within the same sentence. If you say it softly, it's like a tickle. Say it with a little gusto and people could be wiping spittle from their eyes. In any case, I'm likely to miss it.

• Learn to speak another language.
  

• I know that in my line of work, Mandarin Chinese or Hindi would be useful but I've been looking for courses in daughterese, ex-husbandish and umm Kiwi. I still am not completely clear as to what the heck "crikey" means but a POME? Well, that's just a prisoner of mother England, don't you know? And it's a slur but compared to the ones we have here, I think we can all agree it's pretty tame.
  

• Exercise More.

• There is the gym and my perpetually psycho scale but I think that the best kind of exercise is the type that Eve whispered to Adam after that first nibble of the apple. I'm not terribly particular as to how the calories are burned, just that they are.

• Say Thank You More Often.
  

• Dallas's sister is this fiery, smart, independent woman named Leisa. I have never met her but I know that she would fit right in with the GNO crew. We are exactly one week apart in our birthdays and I'm older but I can't seriously hold that against her. Recently, she sent Dallas a note to let him know that she would like for me to attend an intimate luncheon and the wedding ceremony which was originally intended for close friends and parents, only. I had plans to shop in Auckland during this time and hook up later at the reception but her email changed everything. To Leisa, I say my first of many "thank you's" for the year. I understand how meaningful this day is and to include me in those plans is an incredibly magnanimous gesture. Some people teach you grace. Leisa appears to be a part of that group.

So there you have it. I could probably write a resolution list that would span the continental US but five is all that I'm able to manage. Any more than that would be as wasted as a common sense lecture for Britney Spears.

I hope that all of you have a prosperous, healthy and joy-filled 2008.