Wanted: Wedding Planner

I apologize Internet because lately, I haven't been posting as often. Besides the fact that a new season of American Idol has started, this wedding planning thing is kicking my ass.

I understand now why people choose to elope.

We finally secured a chapel which was excellent because I was worried that we might have to resort to something like our backyard for the ceremony. Sure, we've got gobs of room back there but that is because the place is a bloody wasteland. I've killed three trees and a dog dug up a fourth or fifth so there is nothing but grass and a crappy old BBQ. I really ought to add a flea infested couch and a car on cinder blocks to complete the whole white trash theme going on back there. In any case, I'm grateful that we found a place that would marry us even though we are terminal sinners destined for a fiery afterlife. Amen.

Over the past week, we have either scoured the internet for reception sites or been out to visit them. Last night, we ended up at a ridiculously small cozy place in the big city off one of the main drags. The coordinator kept referring to "this space" and "that space" and how they could be rented separately which caused me to snort because you might have been able to cordon off the two areas with a piece of dental floss. I asked about the "patio", which was also available for separate rental and was informed that we had walked through it on our way to the front door. Um, yeah. So those nine flagstones, which were not big enough for a game of hopscotch, were also considered a separate space. And thus, the nickel and dime show began.

-Move the furniture? It will cost you to move it back. Can we move it back?Umm.. NO! -Soda? $2.00 each, from the bar gun, no free refills. $$$
-The tables and linens are included? Only the small ones that would be suitable for your daughter's tea party. Grown up tables, extra.$$$
-Must have one bartender for 50 people. $$$
-Bartender must have busser. One for every 25 people. $$$
-Gratuities NOT INCLUDED in absurdly high hourly staff rate! $$$
At one point, I glanced at Dallas and he had this fixed, glazed over expression that he uses only when making a concerted effort to remain polite. After we left, he summed it up nicely, "I wasn't impressed." Yeah, me neither.

So, we moved on to a downtown ballroom that while quaint, was just not cute enough to have us ignore the overpowering smell of cooked cabbage. Next, we went to a historic structure on our local college campus. We loved everything about it except that they wouldn't allow a band or a DJ...at a wedding reception. Pardon? People require alcohol and entertainment if they are going to suffer through toasts, bouquet tossing and garter removal so we scratched that baby from the list.

Tonight, we made an appointment at a private country club with an arresting, very southern, red brick Colonial design. It just oozes the gentile, snuff box, lemonade-drinking lifestyle and the second that we walked through the doors, we knew we'd finally found our venue. Everything went well until the event coordinator began talking about centerpieces, table placement and chair covers with girlie girl ribbons. She wanted decisions made about colours and designs. I felt my stomach tighten and Dallas bailed me out by saying we'd look over the info and make those types of decisions once we had the chance to look over the reading materials. We did put down a big deposit and officially had our names entered in pen in the date book.

Okay, so we've booked the chapel, the reception hall and the band. Those are the biggies, right? I still haven't found a dress and don't even get me started on the horror show that is bridesmaid wear. Fugly. Funky colours. Lamentable design. I've jokingly threatened my nearly sister-in-law with a giant pink bow on her bridesmaid arse and come to find out now, I might not be joking.

So, with bridal planner in hand, I'll spend the next couple of weeks trying to get some of the other stuff done. Did I mention that we leave for New Zealand on Saturday?

Is it too late to elope?