Infidelity

In my flawed opinion, infidelity is a death blow to a marriage.

I understand that people make mistakes but I find it difficult to classify an indiscretion as an "error" per se because it implies that the act itself merits forgiveness.

Not in my book. Because at every step in the process: feeling an attraction and allowing it to manifest, flirting, meeting, the first touch... a deliberate decision is made. Infidelity is not so much a mistake as a choice with consequences that shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone.

And hey, I know that's an easy position for me to take from the safety of a relationship that I believe won't face these kinds of issues.

I don't think that I would be able to forgive because I'd take the betrayal very personally. I'd be horribly hurt and I'd likely make it about my failings as in, "What's wrong with me?" instead of, "How could you?"

And then there is trust, one of the pillars of a marriage. It's unreasonable to expect that it will ever be fully intact again. I know I'd be rifling through jacket pockets, checking phone records and constantly peeking around corners waiting to hear the other shoe drop because that would become the new standard: guilty until proven innocent. Yuck.

What about respect? For wife or husband? For children? For the the vows? If the relationship has deteriorated to the point where one feels it necessary to seek intimacy elsewhere, wouldn't it be more respectful to just end things rather than introduce a third party to the dysfunction? Sure, that's a painful process too but at least it would avoid the absurdity of those conversations where the offending spouse tries to justify the infidelity.

"You're frigid"
"I'm not attracted to you anymore"
"You drove me away"
"I don't feel loved"
"You rejected me"

The fundamental problem with these conversations is that the responsibility for the behavior is magically shifted from the cheater to the spouse in a "you made me do it" context, which is nonsense.

I do hear about people who try to patch things up. I think it is mature and admirable to walk that path, especially when children are involved but the labour necessary to redefine a marriage needs two people who are fully committed to the process and frankly, I think that's rare.

"But I love her", he says.

And the truth is that love, by itself, is not nearly enough.