Retin-A Pirates

So sorry. The rest of the repo man story will have to wait until next week because I have better blog fodder. Because I am the ass end of a giant cosmic joke.

Yesterday after work, I had my hair done, which is usually a little slice of nirvana for me. I get to catch up with my stylist (who has her finger on the gossip pulse of our town), read all of the latest celebrity rag mags (did you know that Brad and Jen are having clandestine meetings?) and for nearly three hours, I get coloured, waxed and delightfully pampered with nary a child in sight. It is worth every single penny.

Last night we had a wee hiccup, though.

Everything was going along as it usually does and after my colour had finished processing, I walked over to the shampoo area. Like usual, my girl removed the foils, washed my hair, gave me a fabulous scalp massage and then prepared to wax my brows and upper lip. For the men that are reading this, try not to be shocked. Women are not naturally hairless, especially after a certain age. Along with sagging boobs, wild mood swings and deepening crow's feet, Mother Nature has also seen fit to bless the aging woman with facial hair. It's a freak show.

Anyhoo...

I have been having my brows waxed every six weeks for seven years. It hasn't hurt in ages. Now, the upper lip ranks right up there with childbirth on the pain scale but the brows are easy so I was surprised when the first strip was ripped off my left brow and it felt like someone had set me on fire. I didn't say anything, though. Then, it began to throb.

Completely unaware of my discomfort, my girl moved over to the right side and when that strip was ripped off, I yelped. I opened my eyes to find my stylist looking at me, horror etched on her face. Something was wrong. She was bent forward, blinking rapidly and slightly shaking her head as if to clear it.

"Have you been using something different on your face?" she asked.

When Dallas and I were in Mexico in July, I had picked up a tube of Retin-A at the local pharmacy. In my quest for the holy grail of youth, I'd heard that regular use would repair some of the sun damage and diminish my wrinkles. Sign me up, right? Unfortunately, I couldn't read all of the directions for use that came in the box since they were in Spanish and so, I'd stuck the tube in a bathroom drawer, promising myself that I would Google the instructions. Well, I didn't get around to doing that until about ten days ago. I've been using it five nights out of seven since then.

One side effect that wasn't mentioned anywhere in the published literature was the fact that if you use Retin-A within a week or so of waxing, you could expect AN ENTIRE LAYER OF SKIN to be removed along with the hair. Stylists know this. Regular Retin-A users know this and I would imagine that dermatologists warn their patients that waxing is a BIG no no. But for those of us who trot into the Mexican pharmacies and stock up on all of those drugs that require a prescription here in the US, it's caveat emptor, baby.

And oh sweet baby Jesus, I look like I have had surgery. Or an accident of some sort. It's hideous. And while make up has helped to diminish the angry red appearance somewhat, the gash running just below my eyebrow is like a blinking neon sign. Every single person that I have greeted this morning has found themselves involuntarily staring at it, their eyes narrowing in revulsion and a sick sort of fascination.

"WHAT HAPPENED?" they ask, slightly breathless.

The truth is just too stupid to even contemplate sharing so rather than be the subject of a cautionary tale, I mutter, "pirates," and leave them standing there, wondering if they heard me correctly.