I Remember

With the approaching ten year anniversary of September 11th,  television programming, print media and the internet have been rife with reflections of that ill fated day.

I have avoided most of the coverage because a decade later, the wound is still raw.  I find my breath unexpectedly catching in my throat, my chest tightening and the sting of unshed tears collecting at the corners of my eyes.  How is it that ten years later, the horror, the disbelief, the mourning and the deep, throbbing, sadness still remain?  

I was home from work, sick with pneumonia and pregnant with Olivia on September 11, 2001.   I turned on the Today show and within a few moments, the coverage switched to the north tower.  It was on fire.  Apparently, a small commuter plane had crashed into it.  I remember hoping that there would be survivors on the floor that sustained the most damage.  Then, with millions of other people, I watched as United flight 175 crash into the south tower, live, on television.  

What the hell is going on with air traffic control?  That was my first thought.

But seconds later as the videotape was replayed and it was evident that it was a commercial plane and the newscasters used words like, "concerted effort" and "attack", the truth of the situation became undeniable.  The first tendrils of panic filled my belly.  I called my mum in Canada.  Together, we watched the tragedy unfold.  

I've been down to visit the WTC site on every visit I've made to NYC since that day.  And each time, it is like a kick to the gut.  It just never gets any easier.  I didn't lose anyone that day and I personally don't know anybody that did but it doesn't matter. 

On September 11th, 2001, everything changed.  

There is not a single, good, thing that came out of the events of that day.  The unity that we felt as a nation in the aftermath faded all too soon.  There is no silver lining. There are no great cosmic lessons that have been learned.  There is only war and intolerance and death and debt and grief and mourning and fear and suspicion.  

I hope that one day, we will heal enough to be an uncompromising force for world peace.  Until then, we will rebuild and remember the 2977 innocent people who died.