Yesterday, Liv came home a little bit down in the mouth and when I questioned her about it, she admitted that she was unhappy because the previous day, she'd had a problem with one of her friends.
I should probably preface with some background information. The friend in question is a child with a less than ideal home life. Her parents split several years back after repeated episodes of domestic violence triggered by alcohol abuse. Needless to say, her early, formative years were not ideal.
The father is a bar manager at a local club. He's a nice enough guy and clearly loves his daughter but he's a party dude and mostly absent. The child worships him.
The mother, is a whole other piece of work. She is the custodial parent but shockingly irresponsible. A few weeks back, the child showed up at my house after school barefoot and in a spaghetti strapped summer shift. It was 13 degrees C (approx 55 F). I asked her where her shoes were and she said she didn't have any as they had been ruined at camp a few weeks earlier. I asked about pants or jeans and she confessed that the single pair she owned hadn't yet been washed and they were filthy from camp. I asked her what she wore on her feet to school and she admitted, she'd been going barefoot. I was gutted.
(When all of the kids were away at camp, her suitcase was woefully inadequate. She had a single pair of long pants, two t-shirts, no socks, flat "ballet" shoes, a pair of shorts that doubled as her bathing suit bottoms, flannel pj's and a singlet, which doubled as her bathing suit top. Her shoes were encrusted with mud the first day and for the rest of camp, it was a real struggle to keep her dry and warm. Other kids, including Olivia, lent her clothing. It must have been embarrassing for her.)
I sent her upstair to Olivia's room to put on a long sleeved shirt, jeans, socks and a sweater. Then, we went shopping. It wasn't some big charitable thing, either. I just couldn't get past the fact that the child went to school, in the late fall, WITHOUT SHOES. What parent allows that?
We made it an adventure and went down to our nearest Salvation Army store where both girls were given the opportunity to grab a few items so it wouldn't be weird. I don't know why, but need seems to be soaked in shame and that's the last thing I wanted the child to feel.
There just happened to be a pair of brand new runners in her size. We got them, along with a pair of pants and a book for Liv. Total cost: $8.50. The girls were delighted. I told her to keep the clothes she had on, as well, with the excuse that they didn't fit Olivia any more. As we drove home, I seethed wondering how it was that both of her parents could afford to smoke and drink but couldn't shod the child for $4.00.
After that, we began to see more and more of her. Often, she would stay for dinner. I spoke to her mother, once, and when asked what time the child needed to be home (on a school night), the reply I got was, "Whenever." It is dark here by 5:30 pm and the woman refused to pick up her child stating that she "didn't have any gas" when the child called for a ride. It's just a sad situation.
Lately, Liv and the girl have asked to head back to the school to meet up with two boys. Olivia is ten, somewhat of a tomboy and still mostly little girl in her emotional intelligence. The girl, is somewhat more advanced, harder and looking at boys in a different light. She has already learned to objectify herself with her clothing choices, which is heartbreaking. I was uneasy about the "playing with the boys" thing and put the kibosh on it when the girls asked again, earlier this week. I tried to explain to Liv that I felt like it wasn't the best choice and she seemed....relieved.
Well, the day before yesterday, they asked to go back to the school to meet up with the boys. I said no, so they picked up the phone, instead. At some point, I heard our front door open and close and later, I noticed Liv curled up in her TV corner reading a book. Something was amiss but I let it be.
Last night, Olivia confessed that she and the girl had had a falling out over the boys the day before. The girl "liked" one of the boys and had asked Liv to tell him. Apparently, Olivia didn't do it the right way and the girl was embarrassed. In any case, at school the following day, the girl was unkind. Olivia found other friends to play with but since they had been spending so much time together, she felt the girl's absence. She was angry and hurt and wanted to lash out. I asked her to forgive and move on, in spite of her perceived injustice of it all. I told her that we cannot control the behaviour of other people and that we can only control our reaction to it. No matter who was right or wrong, I told her that real friendship is not hard work and that true friends are careful with each other's feelings. I shared that I thought her time with the other girl might be over and that she should focus on new friendships. That seemed to settle Olivia's mind.
This morning, Olivia was still stinging a bit but she had a good attitude when she left for school. Selfishly, I'm grateful that the relationship with her friend has cooled for now. Even at this young age, you can predict the trajectory of that child's adolescent life and I think it's healthier for Liv to develop close friendships with some other girls too, so her influences are varied.
Truthfully, I want my little girl to remain a little girl for just a bit longer.
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