Viva Las Vegas

What can I say about Las Vegas that hasn't already been written?

It is bright lights and performance on an unimaginably grand scale. It is hookers and junkies and all night buffets. It is surgically enhanced breasts, one arm bandits and celebrity sightings. It is trade shows, displaced New York cabbies and endless tour busses. It is the personification of excess in the human condition soaked in alcohol and with a wallet full of cash. A weekend trip is a little slice of naughty. A full seven days is like having an ice pick jammed into your brain.

Our team stayed at the Bellagio and when we first made these reservations, I was excited. I've had the opportunity to bunk at several different Las Vegas properties but I had heard that the Bellagio was pretty swank and I was looking forward to the luxury.

Perhaps my multitude of trips over to the Orient has spoiled me but I felt the Bellagio was just okay. I got to my room and was THRILLED with the bathroom. It was large enough in which to host a cocktail party and had one of those lighted magnifying mirrors for the terminally middle aged. The bathrobes were thick and luxurious, bedding was lovely and mini bar was stocked should I lose my mind and choose to indulge in an $8 bottle of Fiji water.

I hooked up my computer and clicked on my browser, expecting to get the usual message about internet fees, blah, blah, blah but nothing happened. Hmm. Strange. So, I called down to the main desk to inquire as to what I was doing wrong.

"We aren't wired for WiFi ma'am." (Five Star hotel? In 2008?)

"Uh, okay. Where is the ethernet cord kept?"

"We have one available for purchase through your mini bar. It's in the basket with the chocolates and our world famous Bellagio chips. It's $13.99 but be careful ma'am. The items are hooked into a sensor and if you take it out of the basket, you are automatically charged." (Of course.)

Reluctantly, I purchased the cord and was sorely disappointed to find that it was not dipped in platinum and encrusted with diamonds.

And somewhere in the visit, my "Do Not Disturb" sign disappeared, never to return. This would have been fine except that one evening, I went to bed before midnight.

The night before, I'd had a thousand cocktails, a few nasty cigarettes and settled into bed for a mere two and a half hour snooze before my alarm went off. I got up, had a shower, started a caffeine IV and stood on my feet all day. I had the kind of headache that cannot be managed with water and ibuprofen. I needed sleep. So that night, when the rest of the team went out for dinner and cocktails, I declined and dragged my sorry ass back to the hotel room. I had a shower, brushed my teeth and slid gratefully into dreamland....

Until 10:40 pm when housekeeping banged on the door in an attempt to turn my bed down. I staggered up, threw on a robe and opened the door but she had already moved on to the next room after finding my security lock engaged. When she came out, I asked her for another "Do Not Disturb" sign and was told she would take care of that for me. I never got another one. And my clock was never changed to the correct time after daylight savings ended. And one ceiling light was burnt out and never replaced. And there was no shower gel. And the chocolates that they left during the turn down service tasted like Hershey's (yuck). And there was no pen with the stationary set. And the bathroom scale lied.

The one really great event of the week was attending Cirque du Soleil's show, "O", which was playing at the Bellagio's theatre. I'm at a loss to describe how fantastic this was. The Cirque du Soleil organization has the uncanny ability to stimulate every single sense during one of their performances. I have been fortunate enough to attend shows in San Diego and Florida and they never cease to amaze me. They are worth the steep ticket price.

So, aside from the show, I wasn't much impressed with the Bellagio even though David Duchovny was apparently laying his head down under the same roof. Paris Hilton showed her face, which did nothing for me but sent a shiver through the crowd. Next time, I'm likely to stay at the MGM or try to convince my boss to pony up a few more bucks and house us at the Wynn.

As I was preparing to leave my room for the last time, I took both door keys and laid them on the small table beside the bed like I always do. I opened all of the drawers and closets and did a sweep of the bathroom to be sure that I hadn't left anything behind. As I muscled my bulging suitcase out into the hallway, I caught sight of my $14 ethernet cord hanging from the desk as the door swung shut.

Viva Las Vegas.