Holiday Spirit

I am not finished with my Christmas shopping.

This is so not like me.

This weekend, we hiked over to our local Wal-Mart trying to get the necessary ingredients for Christmas dinner and to pick up some stocking stuffers. It was a freaking zoo and there is no denying that this season brings out the absolute worst in some people. It seems that every single rude and graceless tool on the planet crawls out from underneath their rock at least once a year and for some reason, as discussed before, I am the person they find. To the elderly lady in the stationery aisle whose hair smelled like rotting olives and who used her bony hip to violently move me out of her way as she took the last Crayola Disney Princess Color Wonder package:

Be grateful that you qualify to collect social security because I am Canadian, a former left defense hockey player and respect for the number of years you have terrorized the earth is the only thing that stopped me from laying you out flat in that aisle. Also, that shade (Ronald McDonald orange) that you are using in your hair is not complimentary to your skin tone. I'm just saying...

To the extremely large man who parked his motorized cart on a diagonal in one of the toy aisles and who sat there, clearly conscious of but not caring a whit for the bottle neck that he was causing:

It's bad enough that you are a thirty five year old man who has eaten himself to the size of Hummer. To make yourself even more repugnant, you come to the store unbathed, in sweat pants that haven't seen a washing machine since the Reagan administration and with something unidentifiable lurking in your mangy beard. There are truly disabled people that need that cart, mister, so the least you could do as you accelerate past the amputee with the crutches is yield the bloody right of way.

I'm thinking that next year, I'm going to make all of my holiday purchases online. Things can get pretty heated on eBay but at least I can shop in my jammies with a coffee in my hand an no possibility of walking into someone else's fart fog.