My son is in his final year of middle school. He's struggling badly with the onset of adolescence and I am at a complete loss as to how to help him.
Dylan has never been average. He walked at eight months, was literate on the computer at three and read fluently before kindergarten. He has always been a kid more comfortable in a library than on a football field. He is painfully sensitive and quick to apologize but his anger is never far from the surface. These days, I think he is a very lonely boy. Sixth grade has been a nightmare.
Academically, he doesn't have any worries but socially, my boy can't seem to find his tribe. Like most children, he wants to be popular but with Dylan, his desire for acceptance weeps out of his pores causing other children to either recoil from his neediness or exploit it. Neither scenario is a happy one and often, as he retells the day's events to me, I can see confusion and naked pain in his eyes. He just doesn't get what he is doing wrong.
And it shatters my heart.
The protective mother in me wants to gather him in my arms, shield him from the nastiness of others and spare him the scars that adolescence will bring. I want him to understand that ten years from now, he'll have trouble recalling the name of the girl who toyed so carelessly with his emotions. I want him to be confident in the knowledge that the geeks are the ones with lasting marriages and robust retirement accounts. But there is a blurry line between being supportive and being a safety net and although I'd like to save Dylan from himself, I'm determined to be the kind of parent that allows him to learn how to creatively problem solve. My most impactful life lessons were those where I took responsibility for my behaviour, dusted myself off and got back into the proverbial saddle.
I want very badly for my baby to be happy but not at the expense of his character. Happiness and a cohesive sense of self are not mutually exclusive concepts, except perhaps during adolescence and I have to believe that Dylan will find his way. It's just distressing as his mum to remain on the sidelines hoping that unconditional love and acceptance are enough to help him weather the storm.
2 comments:
I'm on a similar journey - Parker is the type that needs friends, and will do anything to have them. He doesn't stand up well for himself, nor does he use his judgment on what he should or shouldn't do. He is the classic child that hoodlums will seriously use in high school, because he will do whatever they want him to if it means they will be his 'friend'.
We have talks with him all the time about making the right choices - for him - not for someone else. Standing up for what he knows to be right or wrong, etc.
Occasionally it appears to be working, but he is only in 5th grade, so we'll continue to work on it and hope by the time HS rolls around, he'll have gained some confidence and self-reliance.
One of the concepts that my kids and I talk about on a regular basis is "make friends behavior". And we talk about how certain behaviors/reactions might affect the outcome of certain things- tone of voice, body language, etc. And we play games with it. Of course, mine are only 5 and 10. Ugh! Hugs for you- yet another joy of parenting.
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