The Orient Express

Next week, I fly to China and for nearly two weeks, I'll be shuffling around from one hotel to another. Don't get me wrong. I am not complaining. It's just that I've been to Asia fifteen times in the last four years and there are only so many culinary challenges that I can accept and still smile about it.

Shark Fin Soup? The broth is savoury and delicious but the fin (yes, the actual fin) is like trying to swallow overcooked Ramen noodles with a thick coating of tapioca. The fin doesn't slide effortlessly down the throat. You can swallow, repeatedly, with water, with beer, with anything wet and you will still feel a strand spanning the distance from your mouth to your belly. It's very expensive and considered a delicacy so every factory owner who is trying to impress will order buckets of the stuff. My eyes water and my stomach involuntarily heaves at the sight of it.

Snake? Ooooh, sign me up! In spite of the fact that it's believed to be a male aphrodisiac (what isn't?) and guaranteed to enhanced male virility, I figured it couldn't do any harm. Throw it in a stew or make a soup and presto! Viagra on a spoon. Tastes like chicken (what doesn't?).

Suckling Pig with Crispy Skin? There is something disconcerting about having your food stare back at you while you are eating your meal. Over the years, I've asked that heads and tails be removed from my food because I'm a Westerner, damn it! I don't want to be reminded that until recently, Wilbur and Charlotte were alive and frolicking in the barn.

(photo courtesy of Philadelphia City paper- www.citypaper.net)

The final one is Sea Cucumber. Like all of the others, this was once served to me in a gelatinous brown sauce. I was told that it was yet another aphrodisiac. Is it any wonder there are over a billion Chinese on the planet? With all of these seducing agents, how does any work gets done in the Orient?

Anyway, this dish was presented to me and I was encouraged to sample. It's distinctly phallic in appearance, tasteless and has a texture that makes you gag the second it comes in contact with your tongue. Yes, I know that I am leaving myself wide open for comment, but you have to experience this stuff for yourself. There is just no other way to describe it. Look:



See, I don't make this crap up.

So, next week I'll head over again. In the course of twelve days, I will meet with about eleven factories. Delicacies and aphrodisiacs will abound. I'll smile politely while nibbling on minced pig's ears and pray that I survive the latest gastronomical assault.