Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

I know that we haven't spoken in ages but I wanted to drop you a note to update you on the last eleven years or so.

Back in 1997, my second husband and I were living in Michigan. It was there that I gave birth to your first grandchild, Dylan. He will turn eleven this May and I am constantly amazed at how his brain works. When he was born, he bore a distinct resemblance to you and it made my heart hurt that your conflict with me was more important to you than your interest in knowing him. He sometimes asks about you, especially now that he is older and I struggle with trying to explain to him why it is that you and I don't speak. The truth is, I don't have a good answer especially now that I am a parent. I guess that somewhere along the line, being your daughter required too much effort.

In 1998, we moved to Houston in search of better weather and some distance from my husband's family. You might have thought that our family closet held some skeletons but let me tell you, our dysfunction couldn't compete on that level. We didn't leave Michigan so much as we fled it. Texas turned out to be a really good move for us. I went to work for a major retailer and ended up being transferred to their home office in a buying capacity. I haven't looked back since.

In 2002, my daughter Olivia was born. I made the decision not to return to my job because even though I became a financial prisoner in my own home, I felt that I owed Liv at least one year of mostly undivided attention. I have never regretted that decision. She challenges my parenting abilities every single day. She is beautiful, smart and unbelievably naughty. I imagine you would feel some satisfaction knowing that at six years old, she has me pulling my hair out on a regular basis. Unfortunately, Olivia's birth while joyful, also served to illuminate the irreparable state of my marriage. In the late summer of 2003, my husband and I parted ways and while it was a hugely painful ending, it coincided with the start of a new job for which I am deeply grateful.

In the five years that I have been with this company, my life has completely changed. I have moved from a junior sales associate to a vice president. I have traveled extensively and had the opportunity to develop personal relationships with people all over the globe. I have seen the Great Wall of China, the Taj Majal, Chichen Itza, Stonehenge, Brandenburg Gate, Rangitoto and everything North America has to offer. I now know New York City like the back of my hand. But really, the best benefits of my job are my colleagues. The CEO, the president and their wives are hosting an engagement party for Dallas and I this weekend. Can you believe that? If I think about it too hard, a little lump forms in my throat.

Which brings me to Dallas. We met through an online dating company called eHarmony. At first, I was embarrassed to admit that but Dallas has this thing where he tells perfect strangers about how we came to know each other. We can be standing in line at the grocery store or waiting in the lobby of an office building for an elevator and he'll strike up a conversation with the person standing next to him. Within thirty seconds, that same person is extending their hand in congratulations and sharing a story about a friend of a friend who met their spouse online. So hey, who cares how we met, right? Unconventional, sure, but that's kind of been the theme of my life.

Dallas is kind. He is unselfish, romantic and extremely balanced in attitude and perception. He should have been a physician because he lives his life by the mantra of "first do no harm". He is very good to my children. Inexplicably, this man wants me to be his wife. I am so fortunate. I think that you'd like him. Everyone does. He's just one of those people that makes lifelong friends where ever he goes.

Well, I guess that is basically it in a nutshell. Of course there are all of the details but I think I've covered the important stuff. See, I wanted to tell you this because as we plan the wedding, I have found myself thinking about you and wondering how you are. It's not like this is the first time. Every Christmas at least once, my mind invariably drifts to you and I always hope that you are surrounded with friends and loved ones. I wonder each year if Father's Day is a painful holiday for you because personally, I cannot imagine a life without my children. I cannot fathom how you can do the shit work teenage years and not reap the rewards once your children are grown, successful and become parents themselves. I am a grandmother now (which is a whole other story) and let me tell you, it is like nothing else. You get to love and spoil your grandchildren rotten without a lick of responsibility. It's a wee slice of nirvana, really.

We all have major life-changing events. I am not talking the peaks and valleys of normal human existence. I am referring to those milestones that drastically alter the course of one's life. Besides the birth of my kids, there are four distinct happenings that have stuck with me.

-moving to the US
-divorcing the father of my children
-accepting the position with my current company
-turning forty

I am about to formally walk down the aisle for the first time in the white dress with the veil and the vows and the reception and the honeymoon and the man I didn't believe existed. I am deliriously happy.

And I know that this is one of those life-changing experiences.

And surprisingly, there is a tiny nugget of grief knowing that it's unlikely you'll be there to share this with me.

I hope you are well, Dad.

Beth