Airport Observations

An airport is a wonderful way to study what is really quite awful about the human condition and last week, I found myself at Bush Intercontinental in Houston for a two hour layover. My observations:

1. We are fat. Not phat. FAT. As a nation. What the hell is wrong with us? Why do we think it is okay to consume massive portions of food, washed down with giant-sized sodas and then call for a wheelchair to assist us to the airport gate because we are too large to walk comfortably?

2. Spandex is a material that should only be worn in the privacy of one's home or by people in exceptional physical shape. I understand the need to be comfortable on the plane because nothing is more wretched than inflight flatulence caused by constrictive clothing but the line has to be drawn at spandex. It is not flattering. It's like witnessing a sausage bursting from its casing? Seriously, we all have stretch marks from our babies but do you really want the guy sitting next to you to see them through your clothing?

3. Bathing before traveling is apparently optional. I was in a restaurant eating my lunch when the hostess sat a married couple two seats down from me. As they passed by on the way to their table, I caught a whiff of something foul but figured one of them had just passed gas. Within a minute, it became evident that the smell was not a temporary thing and it was coming from the man, who was at least ten feet away. He smelled like poo. It was awful. I sent a little prayer to the heavens and politely asked that this man not be the one sitting next to me on my flight.

4. Speaking of odoriferous things, if you ever spot me in an airport and we are on the same flight, you might want to make sure that you are seated several rows away. Oh don't get me wrong, I smell delightful but apparently, I am a fart magnet. It is rare that I travel that I am not seated within the nose detecting vicinity of someone who is rotting from the inside out. It's been bad enough to make my eyes water. Where exactly do they think that their vapours go? It is a plane. With finite space.

5. It's been seven years since terrorism changed air travel forever. Quart-sized baggie for your liquids (3oz and under), no lighters and for Pete's sake, empty your bloody pockets of loose change. You bonehead. While going through airport security is most definitely time consuming and tedious, it is a necessary evil and giving TSA a hard time about procedures that have been in place FOR YEARS and sighing dramatically as you are made to remove your shoes and your belt JUST PISSES THE REST OF US OFF! Right then, moving on...

I am fortunate that frequent travel is a thing of my past because somewhere along the way, I lost my personality and it stopped being fun. Now, it is kind of like what I imagine a prison sentence to be in that you are stuffed into a cramped space and managing the passage of time with a bunk mate who snores.

Thank goodness for iPods, sudoku and tabloid magazines. They help to take your mind off the child behind you kicking your seat until your teeth ring.