If All Else Fails, Try Pot

Lately, several of my women friends have found themselves in committed relationships after walking through the fires of hell the pain of divorce. One girl has waited sixteen years to find her Prince Charming and thanks to eHarmony, she is engaged to be married this summer. Another has walked a similar path to me in that she married a gay man and spent numerous years trying to sort through that mess. Today, she is engaged but with no immediate plans to marry. Both of them have asked me for advice on blending families. I recommended lots of alcohol and a good medical plan with a psychotherapy rider.

Like death and taxes, what is absolutely certain in middle age is that we all come into our new relationships with a little baggage. We have lived. We have emotional scars, some of which have healed nicely and others that need more time. We have children and ex-spouses and we've learned that the white picket dream is a fluid concept with many variations.

When Dallas first dipped his toe back into the dating pool, he was determined that any woman with whom he would have a serious relationship would not have children. Of course, this narrowed his options to jail bait and the geriatric crowd so eventually, he revised his criteria. I started my dating adventures with a list of twenty or so characteristics that I believed the ideal man would have to possess. You know where most lists end up, right? Yeah.

And then I met Dallas, who was everything that I had asked for and more. One day, we decided to ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. In our short but intense journey, I have learned a few things that others might find useful.

1. The relationship is paramount. Period. Dallas and I put ours before anything else: children, work, family, friends, EVERYTHING. If we are okay then the other parts of our life seem to be manageable. Believe me, we have struggled sometimes with this concept because it feels counter intuitive to put your own needs before those of your children. However, I think that seeing an example of a respectful, loving, functional marriage is one of the best gifts we could ever give our children.

2. Present a united front. This sort of goes hand in hand with the one above. Dallas and I are careful to consult each other in most parenting decisions and as it turns out, we've struck a pretty good balance. I am Hitler. He is Bambi. Together, we are extremely effective. He convinced me that my 11 year old would benefit from being tucked in at night. He was right. My son looks forward to those few minutes of conversation more than just about anything else in his day. I tried to convince Dallas to beat his kids until they bled but he thought that might be too harsh and chose instead to take baby steps and hold them accountable for their behaviour. It worked wonders. Teenage daughter didn't miss a day of school this semester and manchild secured himself a great, steady job.

3. Understand that sometimes, ex-spouses suck. They do and there is likely nothing that you can do about it. They are often vindictive, mean-spirited, inappropriate, emotionally stunted, intellectually challenged and generally, a giant pain in the ass. Usually though, the fight is not worth it. When my children go with their father, they are not bathed, their teeth are not brushed, they stay up all hours of the night parked in front of a television set and they are fed mostly potato chips and Oreo cookies. But they come home alive and while I think that they deserve better from their dad, in the big picture of their lives it just doesn't matter. Dallas said, "Ninety nine percent of their time is spent with us. Why get bent out of shape because they spend one percent of their lives living like wolves?"

Finally, walk into the light, my friend. When you blend two families together, remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It just might appear to be way off in the distance and faint. But take heart. Time will march on, children will age and one day in the foreseeable future, there will be an empty nest. Our job as parents is to take our vitamins, eat well, exercise regularly and get plenty of sleep so that the day the youngest takes flight, we'll be fit enough to once again have sex on the couch.