Parenting is sometimes a giant kick in the gut.
My ex husband's daughter (the one who made me a grandmother) and I have been at odds since before Christmas, mainly because she took it upon herself to lecture Dylan about the benefits of regular marijuana use. Yes, let that sink in for a bit.
He's eleven.
And hormonal.
And easily influenced these days.
It should be mentioned that my step daughter and her partner haven't two nickels to rub together and yet they are somehow able to fund a cigarette and marijuana habit. Oh yes, there is also the small issue of pot being ILLEGAL. Recreational drug use is not something that I want for my son.
She finished her conversation with Dylan by telling him that I had done plenty of weed in my time.
Nice.
And although this is true, it was not her story to tell.
After a fairly heated discussion where she defended her behaviour, I finally waved the white flag. My stepdaughter has lived most of the last five years of her life moving from one crisis to the next and allowing her to have a front row seat in my life has been exhausting. On good days, she treats me like an ATM machine. On bad days, I'm the voice at the other end of the phone telling her to calm down and take a deep breath. I'd felt an obligation to this child that persisted beyond the dissolution of my marriage to her father but the last couple of years have been especially challenging.
Late last week, my ex called to tell me the latest twist in the high pitched drama that is her life: both she and her partner were in an outpatient methadone clinic. It seems that somewhere along the way, they had become addicted to prescription pain medication.
But that wasn't it.
For the last eighteen months, they had been living with her partner's father, Steve. When my stepdaughter had become pregnant, Steve had generously offered to take them in. Apparently, it's been a nightmare and last week, he finally gave them the boot. They went to my ex, looking for a place to live. He called me for advice. How does one possibly respond to that chain of events?
After mulling it over and feeling torn to shreds thinking about the innocent baby in this whole thing, I told him that I thought he should refuse her. On the outside, it may seem like a harsh bit of advice but if those two people don't make the decision to change their lives, if they don't feel the consequences of their bad choices, what will motivate them to take a different direction? The last five years have been a train wreck and now, there is a baby involved. When I view the situation from the outside, the things that we did to "help" like purchasing vehicles, paying off bills, buying bags of groceries and remaining supportive without question, look less like examples of good parenting and more like something of which I'm not proud.
It's awful.
Olivia and I sat on the couch last night while she read me a story. As I listened to her lisp her way through the book, I sent a silent prayer out hoping that I didn't make the same mistakes with her that I had obviously made with her sister.
4 comments:
My one sentence response to your son would have been, "And how is the use of marijuana helping your step-sister's life?" And maybe I'd share a few of the age appropriate ways it has "enriched" your life (insert really stupid decisions here). But that's just me.
Wow.
I feel for you.
As someone who has suffered life-long from an addiction I can tell you that I never wanted to have a child for fear of passing on these genes. Maybe that's why I only had one. Addiction is the only disease that when the treatment doesn't work, we blame the patient. Or, conversely, it also tells you nothing is wrong. I HIGHLY advise you to watch Dr. Sanja Gupta's documentary on CNN this Saturday night entitled ADDICTION. Ground-breaking research will be profiled in the cognitive brain-neuroscience that is being done with addicts. It is doevetailing nicely promotion-wise for all the Mexican drug cartel info in the news of late. Your step-daughter needs non-judgment,counseling, and most likely Naltrexone. I know it is exhausting, but take it from someone who has, and continues to, feel the pain and sting of regret for the moral judgment of others and yet be powerless to stop. As for Dylan, the stats are: if one parent has a family history of addiction, child has a 50% chance, if two parents, then it ramps to 80%. Sometimes it's not about saying yes, sitting in non-judgment and paying rent and buying groceries. These people are superbly powerless. I very much look forward to the day when societal understanding around this issue gets it's head out of it's collective ass. Sorry for the rant, but Dylan will be fine. Your own example will teach and influence him more than anything that would come out of your mouth. That goes for all parents.
xoR
Oh, and you certainly did NOT fail. It's just a life-long struggle.
I think you fell far, far from failing. She failed. Herself. Her father. You. Her partner. Now her child. I personally feel you have done the right thing. A person can only take so much drama of continuing to pull someone they love out of the gutter. I think letting go, letting her find her own way to pull herself out of the gutter, is the best thing you could do for her right now. She either will. Or she won't. But you can no longer drag yourself, and the rest of your family, on this roller coaster of a ride she has all of you on. Our neighbor in VA went through it all - they finally just took the grandchild, went to court for full custody, and pretty much washed their hands of their oldest daughter. She knows they will always welcome her back with open arms if and when she ever cleans up her act. In the mean time, the grandson is in a loving, drug free, drama free home.
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