Dallas and I have started a new diet. What's new, right?
Well for starters, we've never tried this one. And we know that it works. There is one woman in my office who has lost over 60lbs.
Since January.
And another who has lost 8lbs this week.
The possibilities make the hair on the back of my neck stand at attention. The miracle of the moment happens to be Hcg. This little hormone is produced by pregnant women and blah, blah, blah pituitary gland, blah, blah, blah abnormal fat, yadda, yadda, yadda, LOSE A POUND A DAY!
Umm...hello? How fast?
The science lesson didn't really interest me because who gives a flying fig? Losing 30 pounds before the wedding rang my bells.
The method is simple. You take Hcg everyday for a minimum of 23 days and a max of 40. The first two days, you are to stuff yourself like a Roman with a feather with the fattiest, richest food you can find. I thought that this would be heavenly but on the evening of the second day, we were miserable. I couldn't bear to look in the mirror and when I weighed myself the next morning, I just kept blinking, in disbelief, at the digital readout on the scale. I had expected my own little Armageddon right there in the bathroom but after Krispy Kreme donuts, a PAN of brownies, beer, rum, KFC, Wendy's, chocolate chip cookies and a huge Chinese food fest, I'd only gained a pound. In the past, I've merely blown a kiss in the general direction of a brownie and watched my thighs dimple.
Day three also marked the first of at least twenty one days where our caloric intake would be severely restricted. There are a total of 20 "allowable" foods. Everything else is banned. Cream based cosmetics and lotions are off limits. DIET COKE is a no no.
When the diet was first explained to me, I had a hard time keeping an open mind because I figured that anyone can lose buckets of weight when they're only consuming 500 calories a day. Yes, you read that right and I know what you're thinking because I was right there with you a few months ago. But then I perused some of the literature and figured, what the heck. It couldn't be any crazier than any of the other million or so things I've tried. I mean, every goober with visible abs claims that he and he alone has the "cure" for America's weight issues. Whatever.
Eat less, exercise more.
I should write a book.
Except that existing on 500 calories per day is a lot like being nominated for an Academy Award and not winning. You smile politely and pretend that you are perfectly satisfied while inside, you imagine the skinny girl with fake boobs winner tripping up the stairs.
I can state without hesitation that 500 calories a day can make a girl cranky. And this no moisturizer thing has me looking distinctly reptilian.
But since Friday, I have lost 8.4 pounds. How's that for fast? And today, I feel great. My energy level is unbelievable and I'm not obsessing about Harry and David truffles.
Even my right eye has nearly stopped twitching.
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