Another Scintillating Weekend

Not much in the weekend round up except that:

A) I'm thisclose to breaking into the next "decade" of numbers on the scale. I'm nearly 25 pounds down. Yeah me.

B) Olivia managed part three of "The Naughty Chronicles". On Sunday night, she came home from her dad's house with a teeny tiny attitude. Poor thing. At her age, how could she possibly grasp the concept of mummy holding on to sanity by a thin, flimsy piece of dental floss? So at the dinner table as she wiggled and got up and sat down and dropped her fork and dropped her napkin and wiggled some more, I shot her the parental death ray and shook my head almost imperceptibly. To my complete amazement, she stopped. Like a deer standing downwind, I think she must have picked up the scent of danger.

But Olivia is my daughter and thus, she learns each and every one of her lessons the hard way. She was incapable of finishing the meal in peace. Instead, she slid off of her barstool, sidled over to me, cupped her hands and stage whispered, "Mama? Would you be mad at me if I wrote on the wall?" I let this new revelation wash over me and surprisingly, I wasn't all that upset.

"Where did you write on the wall?" I asked, while continuing to eat.

Teenage daughter and Dylan simultaneously said, "the bathroom".

I looked at Olivia and said nothing. She blinked and her eyes quickly filled with tears. Still, I didn't say anything because truthfully, I was at a loss as to how to handle the situation. And then just like that, I didn't care. I was completed defeated.

By a six year old.

I told her to go into the laundry room, grab a magic eraser and scrub the doodles off the wall. I explained that this latest incident had to be the last for the rest of the summer and that she had used up all of her naughty cards. I have tolerated hair cutting, eyebrow cutting and adventures in a birdcage but THIS had to be it. She nodded solemly. "Yes, mama."

She then marched over to Dylan, stuck her tongue out and hissed, "Now YOU can't tell on me. Mummy knows". Smart cookie, that one.

C) Wedding stuff. Blah, blah, blah. I know. The mere mention of it causes one's eyes to involuntarily roll to the back of one's head, right? Well, living it isn't any better. Dallas and I are so excited to have all of the people that we love gathered together in one place but the details of planning this thing are completely outside of my area of expertise.

I cannot get my head around all of the stuff that you have to have for a wedding. Cake server, knife, wedding guest book with matching pen, garter, toasting glasses, ring bearer's pillow, flower girl basket, card box, and on and on and on. The profit margins are indecent. For instance, we recently met with the facility that is hosting our reception. Keg of beer: $215 plus 22% (mandatory gratuity) plus tax. Works out to be about $287 total or roughly $1.74 per glass for shitty, headache-inducing draught beer. The wine? Not so great French stuff for about $5.32 a glass. Since neither of us can claim a Rothschild in the family tree, I spoke with one of the catering directors and proposed that we be allowed to supply our own wine and beer with a proper "uncorking" fee. The suggestion was not well-received. Well, of course it wasn't! If I was getting over 400% profit, I'd be loathe to change the program too.

Bastards.

And how about RSVP cards? Why do people find it so difficult to write a number in the little spot provided and throw the thing in the mailbox? Our cards were addressed. And stamped! Some people have called or emailed but the absolute BEST excuse is one I got from Tim, my friend the motorcycle instructor. This past weekend, Dallas and I were at the Harley dealership. While Dallas went to the parts counter, I wandered out back to the range and ran into Tim. He told me that he was happy to see me because

THE DOG ATE THEIR RSVP CARD.

Not original, but excellent.

So, that was my weekend. I'm just a twitchy, bitchy mess but whenever I feel the need to put my head between my legs and breathe deeply, I look at this picture.



This will be my view in less than four weeks.