Rant for a Friday

This has been the longest week in the history of mankind.

Epic.

I have come to the following conclusions:

1. I need to be more careful when making future hair appointments. They must never occur during my PMS week. On Wednesday, I was having an especially bad hair day. Every time I went to the bathroom, I saw my father staring back at me which is terribly disconnected because he never went through the long haired sixties rock dude and I have no idea why I was associating my singularly shitty hairstyle with him. But I did. When I arrived at the salon that night, I told my girl to cut it all off. She obliged.


Two things of note here. First of all, see those lines on my forehead? I'm taking care of those babies this month. I am so not kidding.
Second, what you can't see is the pile of Starburst Fruit Chews directly in front of me that helped me manage my day, which brings me to my next point.

2. I can eat all of the Starburst, chocolate, bread and KFC that I want and not gain an ounce. I've proven it this week. The only catch is that I must get on an elliptical for at least forty minutes every day. And I must exercise until I vomit my spleen. Then I must waddle over to the free weights and pump iron until I hallucinate. Whatever. It works for me.

3. My ex husband shall now be known as FMS or formal spousal unit. I love the way that sounds because years ago in Canada, if you called someone a "unit", it would imply that they were a tool and not in the good, "love machine" kind of way but more in a derogatory, "dull and worthless until properly manipulated" kind of way. In any case, it seems more polite and vastly more convenient to call him FSU instead of GIANT WASTE OF CARBON.

And now for my take on stuff I heard this week:

4. The coroner has stated that the 136 pounds that Michael Jackson weighed at the time of his death was within the normal range for a fifty year old, 5'9" man. Excuse me? Oh yes, and his nose looked perfectly normal too.

5. Roman Polanski. Ick. No matter how hard his attorneys try to get the charges dismissed on misconduct, technicalities and judicial impropriety, it still boils down to the fact that there is nothing consensual about a forty-something man having sex with a thirteen year old child. Period.

6. Two quakes in Indonesia and another in Samoa in a single week. You have got to wonder how well the people in California are sleeping. Do they hear that clock ticking?

Okay, that's it. I promise to come back next week with a much better attitude. As long as I don't have to listen to sweet, talented, Taylor Swift sing, "You Belong With Me" ONE MORE TIME.