Life has a way of throwing out the strangest twists. Just when I think that my feelings are tucked away where they are safe and manageable, something will happen.
Yesterday morning, I sent a text to Dallas asking him if he planned to take his bike out. I was debating whether or not to ride my big bike over to the ranch and I was feeling insecure so I wanted to talk to him. I knew that Dallas would tell me to stop procrastinating and just do it. But he didn't reply. I was annoyed but shrugged it off because I had months ago moved into the "friends" mode with him and my expectations were adjusted accordingly.
Sounds good, right? I thought so. The trouble is that I still hold a place for him in my heart and it is a tender, somewhat vulnerable place.
In any case, I made the decision to swallow my anxiety and get on the Glide. I did just fine and arrived at the ranch with a huge smile. We saddled up and played cowboy for about four hours. (Today, I am beyond sore but that is another post.) Then my phone chirped. It was a text from Dallas.
He briefly recapped his day and mentioned that he had tried to call my house. So I rang him and we talked for about twenty minutes but the tone of our conversation was different. Something had shifted and I couldn't put my finger on it. When we hung up, he stayed on my mind. A hour later, he sent me a simple text which let me know that I was still on his, as well.
I went home, determined to nap because I had a date and I was still feeling the effects of the evening before. I was exhausted. As luck would have it, my date had to cancel because of a family issue. Relief washed over me. I envisioned a quiet night with a book and an early bedtime. Then, Dallas sent another text because apparently, he has been gifted with extrasensory powers.
Long story short, we ended up having a bite to eat. After dinner, before getting into the car, we had a moment and it became clear to both of us that the intangible something that was there several months ago has not dissipated. It isn't a surprise, really, because we have maintained fairly regular contact since deciding to part ways. I should be really happy about this latest turn of events but I'm not sure what to do. Dallas became my friend in that I-would-give-you-the-shirt-off-my-back kind of way and I need for him to remain in my life. If we somehow break our relationship beyond repair, I will have lost my friend, too. I'm not sure that I am willing to take the risk.
I woke up this morning, like countless others, thinking about him. I suppose that if I were to be honest with myself, he has never strayed terribly far from my thoughts. I guess that is how it is when you love someone.
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