Forty-something

I turned 40 in February and for the first several weeks, I couldn't say the word, "forty" without stammering, sputtering, stuttering stupidness. I was like Porky Pig:

"I'm fffff.."
"I'm ffffoor.."
"I'm fffoorrt, ffoorrt.."

"I'm middle aged."

My mum sent me a birthday card which said that the best thing about turning forty was that it wasn't fifty. Nice.

It has been my practise to drink take a life inventory at these milestone birthdays. I reflect back on the last decade and sort of grade myself.

Marriage: F - married the man who was a lot like our president..cute but unable to form complete sentences. Divorced after nearly a decade of purgatory.

Motherhood: A -gave myself the high grades here because even after begging someone to kill me in the throes of childbirth ("walking epidural" is an oxymoron), I firmly embraced the secret code of women everywhere and drank the "forget the pain" elixir. Five years later, I found myself nodding vigorously as the anesthesiologist asked me if I would like a little drug cocktail to take the edge off as baby #2 made her way out.

Career: A+- very pleased with the progress made in this area. Besides the lovely boost in compensation and traveling the world, the unexpected lift in self esteem was worth every miserable minute I spent in my twenties asking questions like, "Would you care for fresh ground pepper with that?"

Health: C+ -this is a mixed bag here. Bad marks for smoking and having to explain to people that I had just had a baby (four years previous). Good grades for going organic and refusing to be bullied by the medical establishment.

Friendship: B -again..this one is not a cut and dried category. I did mature. In fact, people told me that I would be their phone call if they were on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire". On the other hand, I was unable to shake that little bit of crazy, that intangible, irresponsible urge which makes babysitters of the people closest to you. I am also not great at staying in touch. Email has certianly simplified things but I am ashamed to admit that I have a huge trunk full of addressed, unsent Christmas cards going back as far as 2000 (nobody sent cards in 1999 because the end of the world was nigh and who could afford postage after spending whacks of money on bottled water, generators and canned food ?!!!)

Finances: A - great comeback decade. Went from abject stay-at-home-mom poverty (just my situation..lots of SAHMoms have normal husbands who don't say things like, "Where does all my money go?") to comfortable single parent. I finally had "stuff"; which is not to accentuate the material but more the accomplishment. To this day, I can't put into words the emotion I felt closing on a house with only my name on the deed. Life insurance, pension, 401K, living will directive, etc.....all very grown up and responsible.

Not a bad decade, all in all.

I think back to my twenties, living near the beach in San Diego with a decent job, no responsibilities and uncensored enthusiasm. I used to watch the cougs in the bars and feel pity. In the blink of an eye, I'm the COUG!!! This is why I avoid the bar scene like the plague.

Then, my mum was able to put things into perspective for me. One night I was whining lamenting about my age and she said,

"You being forty rattles me, as well. Do you know what it is like telling someone that you have a FORTY year old daughter?!!"

And just like that, I was over myself.