Accessorize this!

I have never been able to accessorize. Don't misunderstand me. I have a walk in closet devoted to shoes and handbags and I am disturbingly comfortable spending gobs of money on yet another pair of black shoes but talk to me about make up, jewelry or accent pillows and you'll see my eyes glaze over.

Take make up. I wear it but my collection of cosmetics could fit into a thimble. I see women open their bags and out spill foundation, concealer, powder to set, blusher, brow wax, eye liner, lip liner, at least three different shades of shadow, lipstick, gloss and bronzer. Oh yes, I forgot those fake eyelashes which come in individual (are you freaking kidding me?!!) or row pieces. I can barely see to get the sleep jam out of my eyes and someone thinks glue-the-lash-on-the-bifocal-babe is realistic? I now fully understand what happened to Tammy Faye.

So today, my friend Steph shows up to work in white pants with tiny, pink polka dot accents. Hot pink. Her shirt perfectly matched the pink polka dots. She had on a fabulous necklace and a bracelet that might have been a set but probably wasn't because Steph effortlessly throws this stuff together. Her pointed kitten heel slides finished the look. She was the picture of breezy, summer elegance and I wanted to hurt her. She buys jewelry like one might pick up evaporated milk...hmmm, don't need it now but I just know it will come in handy in the future.

Jewelry intimidates me. It's hard to spell. It's hard to say. Let's face it, you could weally, weally sound like Elmer Fudd the Nazi if you say it too qwickwee.
I have managed a pair of simple gold hoops and a gold necklace for many years, convincing myself that this look was "classic" and not just hopelessly dated. My office mates, led by Steph the Sophisticate have helped to broaden those horizons for me and just recently, I had to purchase a real jewelry box!

Home decoration is the final frontier and I am paralyzed with fear. All of my walls are painted the same colour. The builder called it Crisp Khaki Satin. Whatever. It's a warm beige and it looks really clean with the blinding white trim but it is on EVERY wall of my house. Hello. Welcome to Vanilla land. Would you like to come into my monochromatic nightmare and have a glass of homogenized milk?

My sister tells me to stop stressing and hire a decorator but the last time I checked, my last name was not Rockefeller. So, I will be forced to go to Lowes or Home Depot and look at paint chips. Would somebody please kill me now? The last time I had to make major decisions of this nature was when I bought the house.

"Hurry and buy! You can pick your colours!" Oh goody. It was awful. I had to choose fixtures, appliances, granite, tile and carpet, oh my. I chewed Tums like Lifesavers for two months because I DID NOT GET THE GIRLIE GIRL GENE!!!

Anyway, I know that I have to start somewhere. Perhaps the upstairs bathroom that nobody sees would be a good test spot. You know, it is times like this that I wish I had paid more attention to my first husband when he decorated wedding cakes and nattered on about complimentary colours. A gay man would be a handy accessory right about now.