Tricky panties and DNA

My daughter calls them "tricky panties". She is referring to undergarments that do not have the tag sewn into the back. Instead, the crafty folks in China or Pakistan choose to attach that little white flag on the side seam. This poses an issue for my girl.

She is very bright but I have to admit that spacial skills are not her forte. She is the child who daily, forces her left foot into her right shoe. So what? Well, under normal circumstances, this would not be of any concern. However, my ex husband possesses a very strong pigeon-toed gene and thus, shoes on the wrong feet mean my daughter's face will meet with the ground at some point during her day.

Usually, I will look down, see the opposable feet and ask her if she might be more comfortable making a switch. Notice that I did not tell her to do it. I merely suggested an alternate course of action because once a girl hits 18 months old, she must be made to believe that she is actually navigating the ship and not just hitching a ride. Otherwise, that sweet little girl turns into Satan. But, I digress...

So back to the panties. Tricky panties get put on backwards. This means that my daughter will spend the entire day picking her gitch out of crack of her bum. I think that after a while, she must get used to the bottom flossing because she never corrects the situation. Instead, at tubby time, I see her walk to the laundry basket with her darling little cheeks completely on display.

While I was picking her up from daycare this week, her teacher took me aside. Apparently, she had pulled down the pants of a boy in her class.

"All the way down?" I asked.

"All the way." Oh dear God.

I assured the teacher that I would handle the situation and that it would never happen again. While we were driving home, I asked about the incident.

"Did you pull Logan's pants down?" (hate asking this question)

"Uh huh." (completely flippant response)

"Why did you do that, sweetie?" (unconsciously holding breath)

"Because I wanted to see if he had tricky panties, too." (biting the inside of my cheek hard, hard, hard so I don't laugh)

"Hmmm. That wasn't a good choice, was it?" (points for take charge attitude, though)

"No." (still completely flippant)

"You won't ever do that again to anyone, right?" (find myself inexplicably holding breath again)

"No mama." (that's my good girl)

"By the way, did he have tricky panties?"

"No. Logan said only girls have panties. Boys have underwear, not panties and their underwear is not tricky." (not even going there)

You know what? She's right. I can't think of a pair of male underpants that have the tag on the side. It's not like they even need a marker in the back because they've got so many distinguishing things going on in the front.

I relayed the story to my ex and he tells me that it must be my genes running through our daughter that caused her to behave in such a way. I (stupidly) ask him how he came to that conclusion and he guffawed (think Don Knotts on Andy Griffith) that I was the one who chased him.

*insert dead silence here*

*insert familiar urge to retort something unkind using words he doesn't understand*

So, I am formally asking all makers of tricky panties to please keep the limitations of their 5 year old consumers in mind when making tag placement decisions. If you really want to go that extra mile, please talk to your pantyhose-making neighbors. A tag would be nice because the only thing worse than tricky panties are twisty pantyhose.