Letter to the Father of My Children

Dear Ex,

I know that we haven't spoken much lately and that it my fault. I cannot seem to control the desire to beat you until you bleed so I thought it would be best to write a little note. Do you have a minute?

I am thrilled that you have a new girlfriend because we both know that you are much happier and far more productive when you have a fresh new soul to abuse. I also know that you are probably exhausted from the effort that it has taken to control your temper around her. You don't want to tip that hand too early, do ya'? We both know that your brand of criticism and negativity has to be dripped on your subject over a period of months so that one day, she will wake up and have no idea who she is. Only then can you unleash your famously irrational personality and by that time, she will be a mere shell of her former self.

I am a bit concerned that she has said she wants nothing to do with your children. I mean, where do you go from there? I am not upset with her. At least she was honest with you right up front. But I'm not sure how you are going to reconcile her position and your obligation as a dad. Oh, duh! When you said that the kids "cramp your lifestyle", you were referring to the four days of the month when you have visitation! Gosh, what an idiot I am. I shouldn't have assumed that the OTHER 313 DAYS IN THE YEAR to do as you bloody well please would be enough.

You might want to rethink that whole idea of "babysitting" your own kids because (if we are going to be clinical about the whole thing), who do you think will be "babysitting" you in your old age? Since your idea of a retirement plan is to take your inheritance and a second mortgage and dump them into a casino, maybe it would be wise to pretend that you enjoy spending time with your children. I think it will pay off in spades later on as they debate the pros and cons of a DNR order.

In any case, can we at least agree on a few rules when the kids stay with you? I know that you want to be their friend but what they really need is a father and most of the time, these two things do not have to be mutually exclusive. However, letting them stay up until the wee hours of the morning is being neither their friend nor their father. Do you understand that when they operate on less than 6 hours of sleep, they WILL GROW HORNS?

I think that most people would agree that children should be bathed and underwear changed at least once during a weekend. Swimming in your filthy pool, while a fun game of bacteria roulette, does not constitute bathing. Oh yes, another hygiene note: I know that you are not friendly with your toothbrush but would you mind asking the kids to brush when you are actually able to see fur on their teeth? No big deal..I'm just slightly concerned that they may slice their tongues open on all of that plaque.

Perhaps there might be a better breakfast choice than Oreo cookies. Gosh, I don't know. Maybe you could feed them sticks of butter or something like that. Also, I understand the need to whip through Wendy's or McD's every now and again but junk food for every meal will put them into spandex and heart failure faster than you can say gastric bypass surgery.

I realize that you consider yourself generous and while this is a lovely trait, maybe it would be best if you didn't share your nicotine, tar and arsenic with the kids. I know that I am an old Scrooge but I think they are getting plenty of pollutants in the normal air that they breathe. So go ahead, save that cigarette until after they get out of the car. I promise they won't be upset with you.

I'm sure that you will drop the kids home early even though you were close to an hour late picking them up. It's okay, though. I appreciate you giving me that extra time to speak with our ten year old son about making sure that his sister is buckled into a car seat and about confirming that there is an adult outside with them while they swim. Isn't it great that he is so responsible so young?

Anyway, thanks for the chat. I hope that the big karma boomerang doesn't realize what a complete waste of carbon you are and circle back to punt your sorry ass into the next life because inexplicably, your children would miss you. They love you, unconditionally. It's a pity that you can't see what a gift you've been given.